So it has been embarrassingly too long since I last made a blog post. But Mother’s Day was the mark of my first post, and I thought it would be fun to share new insights and capture the journey of motherhood over the last year.
Last year I was telling stories about mom guilt after a grocery shopping trip with my littles. Who would have thought this year would look so completely different? My kids haven’t even stepped foot in a grocery store in 2 months since the Corona-virus pandemic. I truly never would have imagined this a year ago.
I’ve missed my kids not being able to attend school or play with their friends, or getting to have sleepovers at the grands. While I know it may seem I am missing these things for selfish reasons (and let’s be honest, that is a part of it), I know how much I miss community and I can only imagine their little 5 and 2 year-old hearts missing it, too.
Although I’ve enjoyed the slower pace, and my people-pleaser side being let off the hook by the “no’s” being decided upon for me, I’ve faced some other tests. Moments where I didn’t display all the fruits of the Spirit so well, especially patience and self-control.
Anyone that knows me, knows I can be so very hard on myself. Nothing like I used to be, thank goodness, but the “mom guilt” can still creep in from time to time.
Since I have more time these days (probably could have been writing more blogs, but anyways) I have taken some time to slow down and do some self-inspecting. At this point, you may not be getting all the warm, mom fuzzies reading this, but hang in there… I think by the end you will breathe a bit better. At least that is my hope and prayer for you.
There is good that can come from the mom guilt.
Yep. I said it. Let me explain…
I didn’t really grow up learning about God, and didn’t understand fully that guilt, shame and condemnation don’t come from Him. To be quite honest, I was used to experiencing guilt trips and ultimatums, first hand. I kind of thought that was how relationships worked. Not only was I on the receiving end, but I learned to speak this fluently, without even realizing it. I also saw many loved ones I knew who suffered deeply from guilt and shame. Sometimes as a result of their own actions and sometimes inflicted on by others.
First thought: I knew that wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t supposed to be that way.
Second thought: I didn’t know what the “right” way looked like.
I remember a few occasions over this quarantine that just brought me to tears in regards to my mothering – was that thing really worth freaking out over? Am I messing these little people up… ones that I love so much?
The whole, “instead of wondering why this happened, what can I learn from it” question came up.
Here is the lesson God really put on my heart:
It is important to be a great example to our children… to raise them up right… to show the love of the Father by trying to be more like Him. I believe that is my role as a mother… and personally my number one goal here on this Earth. To live and love [everyone] like He does.
Here comes the “and”…
There are also important examples that come from my messy mommy moments where I look very different from the Father. I now realize I get to choose not to settle for guilt and shame, because after all, who does that serve? Nobody. In fact, when our children see us walking in shame and guilt due to our own actions, I believe that is what creates that habit within them. The last thing I want is for my kiddos to grow up constantly being hard on themselves.
No, no. Instead, I get to ask forgiveness. I explain to them that it was not about them, but about me, and that my love for them is so strong. I explain that I was, indeed, wrong, and I messed up, and that we are to take personal responsibility for our actions.
My moment of guilt turns into the teaching grounds for grace.
And in teaching grace, we get to an even more important lesson. It’s a chance to show that as great as their mommy is, there is someone who is higher and who should be their ultimate example and comforter. It is the opportunity to point them to the King on the throne, not a parent on a pedestal. If my expectation (as a parent) is for all their hope to be in my husband or me, we will let them down.
Kids need to be reminded of where their worth and hope should truly lie… and I sure need reminding of it when I feel those pestering lies about my motherhood starting to enter my head.
So, moms, have you been feeling the mom guilt this quarantine? I know, I know, mom guilt was around B.C. (before Corona).
I see you.
Don’t forget that He does, and He put us here as helpers, to be like Him, not to eliminate the need for Him. We need Him and so do our kiddos. We were chosen for this. Take a deep breath, and choose today to say no to guilt and yes to grace.
Now go hug those babies, tiny or grown! Happy Mother’s Day.
